Mental Matters

Mental health is not taken seriously. Society has made progression in its efforts to be better with mental health but overall mental health is not built into the infrastructure of America. Especially as a Black woman.

From what I can remember I have been on the go since I started school in kindergarten. My parents didn't go to college, therefore they hammered it into me from a young age. I had worksheets of all kinds that focused on advancing my education. Calligraphy workbooks for better handwriting, math workbooks to be good at math, and whatever else the teachers assigned us to do. Most of the games I had as a kid were educational. I had left brain right brain. I did sudoku and crosswords in 2nd grade. Most of all I was an advent reader. You would find me reading books way above my suggested reading level, reviewing material that maybe my innocence could have postponed. I played with toys, but overall I learned and I liked it.

Eventually, kids like me are viewed as gifted or accelerated because we have the drive and initiative to learn and we process information quickly. But that curtain soon fell to perfectionism and an unwavering attempt to be the best. Everyone has expectations to do better, be better, and overperform. That is how I know mental health is not valued. Why is a child expected to mass-produce work at an exceptional rate?

Throughout high school, I attempted to stay on the top, but I felt myself falling through the cracks. I wasn't able to keep up— not because the material was hard but because I was tired. I am now on the verge of turning 21 and if I'm being honest I have been tired for the last 6 years. I wanted to turn everything in but I felt like it wasn't good enough, yet I was too tired to improve it so I would just wait. Procrastination is rooted in perfectionism.

In the end, I scraped through high school. I did the bare minimum with razzle-dazzle to get pretty decent grades. That was my best at the time. Now, in college, I am barely scraping by. All the fatigue of before has overcome me. I've been running on fumes laced with adrenaline and right before the pandemic hit I burned out. I was in the worst depression of my life.

I did as much as I could and it wasn't enough. But being depressed wasn't enough reason in school. I used all the resources they told me to, but it still wasn't enough. Because although they tell you health comes first the truth is those assignments are eventually due. I felt all the judgment from professors and peers. They begin to look at me as an undeserving recipient of affirmative action. I was expected to be strong and just push through it. And I tried. I took on everything to distract me from the pain I was feeling. It worked too. Until it didn’t.

I went to the doctors to get help and they didn't listen to me. I sat and explained all the issues I was going through and there were always more people I needed to go through and confirm with or I would have to wait for availability to open up or they didn't have anyone I could speak with or whatever reason it was. I went on a full year in an intense depressive place working several jobs as a full-time student and eventually it was too much. I didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to actively take my life, but I did not want to live.

The thing is everything keeps going. People expect the same out of you. The disability’s office says you don’t have to share your conditions with your professor but when you aren't able to get up for class for 2 weeks what are you to do? Say sorry I don’t feel like living today? It got so bad that I was going to check into a psychiatric hospital. The only reason I didn’t is that I worked at a hospital. I've seen how they treat psych patients, especially black ones. I didn’t want to endure that. The options seem to be slim with nowhere to turn to, yet the same resources being blasted were getting me nowhere. I was open and honest and still lost 2 jobs and the respect of my superiors. With such a toxic environment I'm supposed to believe Mental Health Matters? Not in any institution designed to produce workers.

The culture of America is built on giving your all to get what you want. That needs to be abolished. If we continue this cycle we will continue to lose our sanity.  I eventually was diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and Chronic Depression and am currently trying to find methods that work best for me. I am fortunate to be here to express my concerns with this system, but many aren’t. Had I not been persistent, that may not have been the case.

Despite my issues with the resources in place, it is important to ask for help if you need it.