Why Apathy Terrifies Me More Than Death
I used to think my worst fear was being kidnapped and sex trafficked. This is a valid fear, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t touch what I have now realized to be my greatest concern. Many of the fears we think of have to do with physical things like spiders or hypothetical situations like falling from a height and harming oneself. While all of these are rational fears and completely understandable, I’ve recognized that they are now superficial compared to what I deem my greatest threat. I fear the loss of passion to live.
From a young age, I was full of wonder and enthusiasm, curiosity and light. But more and more, I see the systemic attempts to strip me of my faith. With each attempt, I have watched my will to live wilt away like fruit in the sun. I was losing my virtue. This is not an easy thing to replenish—one’s passion for life is determined by individual tenacity and dedication to its pursuit. It comes with much sacrifice in exchange for one’s sanity. And even then, it may not be enough. But I recognize this as my greatest fear because I have felt my vibrancy fade. I have seen my love turn into mere tolerance for things that once brought me such joy. What’s even worse is that these passions became burdens—every goal became an obligation to meet another deadline. That is such a pity.
How do you reverse the effects of expectations, and why have they become so draining to my existence? I’m not completely sure, but I do know that external pressure and internal exhaustion have left me defused. My desires became measures of capital, and it has literally drained the life out of me.
Now, why is this my greatest fear? Why is losing one’s passion such a tormenting feeling of anguish? First, I understand what it’s like to not have a will to live (it’s called depression). FYI, it’s not fun. But the idea of having a sustained absence of joy sounds like my personal hell. Not being able to participate in activities that ignite me calls into question the very purpose of living. I am not designed for the mundane. I am meant to explore, question, and share what brings meaning. All of these things are meant to be done passionately. Life is not meant to be controlled. So the idea of succumbing to a lifetime of apathy removes all purpose to exist, and that is the greatest threat to my life—because I know I wouldn’t win that battle.
I’ve seen so many people lose themselves to social expectations and systemic engineering that restrict their identity until they no longer know themselves. I’ve seen people give up on dreams because they do not think they are possible. I’ve seen people become products of their environment and never find their way back to self. I’ve watched too many people lose their passion for life, and with that, their souls. I can’t imagine existing as a shell of a being—not in this or any other lifetime. The thought brings chills to my spine and tears to my eyes. But the very thought of being stuck in a life I do not find passion in is a life of eternal suffering.
Here is the reality. I can (barely) walk past mice or buy all the protective gear to keep me “safe.” I can even avoid heights or anything remotely within my control that most people fear. But every day, people lose their passion to live, and it haunts me to think it’s a very realistic possibility. That is my greatest fear. In an attempt to conquer this fear, I will do my best to live authentically to what aligns with my spirit. I’ve realized that my ideal version of life does not fit within the confines of what is told to us. I’ve also realized that I’d rather be in continuous pursuit of new possibilities than to suffer outdated practices. At least through this exploration I can define myself as what I desire to be. Fortunately, now is the time to face my fear. I’ve decided that I can’t wait any longer; I must pursue appetency that dwells in my being as devotion to my evolution. Every day, I will fight this fear—so that I may not just exist, but truly live, with stories worth telling.
